Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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