Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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