So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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