I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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