my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hippo gnu deer
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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