6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
