i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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