Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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