Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
