i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
