He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
