Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
