I'm drive I can fine osifer
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize