I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
