Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
