Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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