Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize