Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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