Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
