I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
he quoted the bible to break up with me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
