my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
