I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
