so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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