you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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