Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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