So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
