he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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