I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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