i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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