If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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