I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
