Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
