he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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