P.S. I can't hear my feet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
