You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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