I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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