my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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