just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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