The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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