I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
