I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
