Tell her she can't have a vagina
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize