Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
