god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
