I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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