I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
