and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
