At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
