I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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