I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
