you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize