I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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