My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
