I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
