I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
