dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
